Last night I had an interesting experience. My roommates and I were watching the 6 month old son of a friend so that she and her husband could go on a date. I'm sure to a third party observer it is entertaining to watch six college age girls forget everything, school, boyfriends, homework, callings, etc and become completely consumed by a cute baby. During the course of the night an acquaintance of my roommate came over to work on a school assignment. While observing the behavior of the baby she made the statement. "He is such a good baby. You can just tell that some babies are much better than others". In light of all I am learning through my family and parenting classes this semester, I almost chocked on my hot chocolate because of the shock. Let me explain.
What is it about our society that suggests that an infant who is silent and agreeable is a "good" person. They are perceived to be of higher moral fiber than a child who is more demanding or vocal. . This to me suggests an unconscious value assumption that what constitutes as "good" is simply compliance with the wishes of adults. Heaven forbid a baby cry, how dare they (heavy sarcasm). Is a child with a different temperament, who has a lower sensory threshold or who is slower to adjust to new situation, a worse baby than the quiet ones? By who's standard? And does this mean that this child is going to turn out to be a bad person? Do you see the disconnect here...what adults have come to describe as a "good baby" in reality means an obedient, mellow baby. A "bad baby" is one that doesn't simply fit into the schedule of the adult but that requires the adult to adjust to the needs of the child.
Author Alfie Kohn writes the following on the subject: "I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A "good" child - from infancy to adolescence- is one who isn't too much trouble to us grown-ups."
Now, why this is important to us. Assuming that a child will be treated based upon whether they are perceived as well behaved or not, this baby certainly was by the women mentioned above, the love the child receives is directly proportional to their level of compliance. Most would say it is easier to love and help a baby who is calm and agreeable than one who is more dependent or vocal about their needs. Wouldn't you argue that this is natural? But as Brother Williams, my family relations professor states, we aren't striving for the natural man, we are seeking for something divine. It is natural to associate an easy temperament with a "good" child. It is divine to learn from a more challenging child and learn from their goodness.
To the woman mentioned above I submit that babies are all good. They have just come from our Heavenly Father and have a lot less of the natural man in them than we do. A silent child does not equal indication of a good human being. I suggest a change in our thinking. A value judgment of what makes a child "good" should not be synonymous with "easy".
Friday, October 26, 2012
Friday, October 19, 2012
Cohabitation: the Counterfeit
Did you know that 80% of Americans cohabit (live with their partner prior to marriage)? In 2009 the number of unmarried couples living together was 6,661,000 (www.mhhe.com/lauermf83). This is a huge number. It has become such a part of our society that this is the norm, it is expected. It makes sense doesn't it? Try living together for an while and see if you are compatible enough for marriage, it is like a free trial run. Interestingly enough this isn't what the research is showing us. Social scientists who a generation ago advocated cohabitation as a means of premarital preparation are choking on their words.
Studies show that maybe we have been wrong in thinking that those who cohabit have funner, sexier, more glamorous lives while married couples just sit on the couch and slowly collect pounds. A comparison of cohabitation and marriage illustrates the following interesting correlations:
- Married couples report more frequent and satisfying sex
- Violence is higher among cohabiting couples, a woman is 9 times more likely to be killed by a partner than in a marriage relationship
- Married couples have less health problems, greater happiness, less depression, higher levels of commitment to the relationship
- Cohabiting families spend more on alcohol and tobacco but less on education that married families do
- Those most likely to cohabit are those who are young and unemployed
And here is the most interesting
- Cohabiting prior to marriage leads to a less satisfying and stable marriage.
- Couples who cohabited before marriage are more likely to get a divorce
(The above information is found in the text "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy eighth edition" By Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer)
One issue with cohabiting that leads to these results that I would like to highlight is a lack of shared commitment and progression. In this relationship two people live parallel lives. They share nothing but a house. One partner continues on with their goals and schedules and the others peruses theirs. There is no coming together in this process. Couples who marry join their priorities together first and then share a life. It is opposite in cohabitation. Doesn't this sound like college roommates? You have your things and they have theirs and you never share anything but the roof under which you live. You should expect more than that from the one you have chosen to love.
I believe that some of the reason this option looks more desirable is that marriage is more vulnerable. In that vulnerability though comes the most beautiful trust, commitment, and strength. This is an interesting video that discusses the fears of marriage.
There is a better plan. One that will help you avoid the dangers mentioned above. There is a plan for families created by our loving Heavenly Father and that plan starts with the solid foundation of a marriage. It must be hard for Him to watch the counterfeit that is so accepted. We could seek for better. We could find a more lasting happiness.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Today I would like to offer some thoughts on a very difficult and emotionally charged subject; same gender attraction. I would like to add to all of the media buzz out there some scientific studies, personal insights, and religious perspectives. I hope to not offend anyone who might come in contact with this. The message I would like to present today is one of hope, help, and healing to any who struggle with unwanted feelings of same gender attraction.
Haven't the media been pushing upon society that same sex attraction is purely biological, "born that way" so to speak. In my family relations course we have been reviewing the research and finding something very interesting; this doesn't seem to be the case. I am going to summarize the research on same-gender attraction conducted by Daryl Bem, professor at Cornell University.
Bem explains that some children come with gender role orientation that is somewhere in between the norm. Let's look at this in the case of males. Some boys like atypical gender behaviors, they like "girl" things. This isn't a deficit, there is nothing wrong with different temperaments. As soon as elementary school, 2nd and 3rd grade these children are labeled as "gay". They are isolated from their same gender peers and labeled as a "fag". At such a young age children feel that there is something wrong with them, they are not accepted.
Next this child begins to reach adolescents and the age where boys start to notice maybe girls don't smell so weird and girls realize maybe boys aren't so gross. Adolescents start to look at the other group that they didn't associate with as much. This is very interesting. The boy who has never felt accepted by other boys his age starts to wish that the guys in his class thought he was cool and masculine and heroic. He has spent more time with girls and is looking toward the group of guys wishing they would accept him like they never have. This is not a question of developing sexuality, but rather of intimacy, they just want to feel understood and accepted.
This leads to great confusion Bem explains. In a society where these boys have been labeled and socialized to be "gay" they wonder if they are. Because of the mislabeling of others they change their mind about themselves. What ends up tipping the scale often for a male who is struggling with this dilemma is when these concerns are acted upon. They suspect they might be a homosexual, they have been told this their whole life, they experiment a little bit, their body responds to some form of sexual stimulation and then they reach the heartbreaking conclusion..."I must have been this way all along and never knew it."
Don't take my word for it, examine the research. Here is the link to Bem's work.
http://dbem.ws/Exotic%20Becomes%20Erotic.pdf
Now. Let me add a few thoughts on this subject that is deeply personal to many of us. Can I first illuminate that there is nothing wrong with a boy who has qualities that are considered largely feminine; they would rather build things than break them and listen to emotions of others than make engine sounds. They exhibit kindness, sensitivity, compassion, and nurturing. What man do we know of who has these same qualities?... Jesus Christ. If you are wondering what true manhood is look to the Savior of the world. What an intricate plan of the Devil to take young boys with these traits, who would make excellent fathers one day, and take them out of the running for the role of fatherhood while they are children. This is terrible; this is heartbreaking.
To any and all who may be struggling with feelings of same gender attraction and encounter this message I speak directly to you. You are not broken. Our loving Heavenly Father would not set you up for failure in this life and make you miss out on the blessings of eternity. You are not broken. In the LDS edited book "Understanding Same Sex Attraction" (I highly recommend it, http://deseretbook.com/Understanding-Same-Sex-Attraction-Where-Turn-How-Help-LDS-Edition-Various/i/5028657 ) it has sources you can go to for help. It reported that many clients of therapy reported the following positive impacts, "They included prayer, scripture study, faith, forgiveness, and a full commitment to the healing power of God". Regardless of whether or not you share my faith, to Christian people everywhere, believe in the healing power of God and the atonement of His son Jesus Christ to help you. While your struggles are real, the master physician, counselor, teacher, and friend is also real. He will support, assist, and love you. There is hope. There is available help. There can be healing in your heart.
Haven't the media been pushing upon society that same sex attraction is purely biological, "born that way" so to speak. In my family relations course we have been reviewing the research and finding something very interesting; this doesn't seem to be the case. I am going to summarize the research on same-gender attraction conducted by Daryl Bem, professor at Cornell University.
Bem explains that some children come with gender role orientation that is somewhere in between the norm. Let's look at this in the case of males. Some boys like atypical gender behaviors, they like "girl" things. This isn't a deficit, there is nothing wrong with different temperaments. As soon as elementary school, 2nd and 3rd grade these children are labeled as "gay". They are isolated from their same gender peers and labeled as a "fag". At such a young age children feel that there is something wrong with them, they are not accepted.
Next this child begins to reach adolescents and the age where boys start to notice maybe girls don't smell so weird and girls realize maybe boys aren't so gross. Adolescents start to look at the other group that they didn't associate with as much. This is very interesting. The boy who has never felt accepted by other boys his age starts to wish that the guys in his class thought he was cool and masculine and heroic. He has spent more time with girls and is looking toward the group of guys wishing they would accept him like they never have. This is not a question of developing sexuality, but rather of intimacy, they just want to feel understood and accepted.
This leads to great confusion Bem explains. In a society where these boys have been labeled and socialized to be "gay" they wonder if they are. Because of the mislabeling of others they change their mind about themselves. What ends up tipping the scale often for a male who is struggling with this dilemma is when these concerns are acted upon. They suspect they might be a homosexual, they have been told this their whole life, they experiment a little bit, their body responds to some form of sexual stimulation and then they reach the heartbreaking conclusion..."I must have been this way all along and never knew it."
Don't take my word for it, examine the research. Here is the link to Bem's work.
http://dbem.ws/Exotic%20Becomes%20Erotic.pdf
Now. Let me add a few thoughts on this subject that is deeply personal to many of us. Can I first illuminate that there is nothing wrong with a boy who has qualities that are considered largely feminine; they would rather build things than break them and listen to emotions of others than make engine sounds. They exhibit kindness, sensitivity, compassion, and nurturing. What man do we know of who has these same qualities?... Jesus Christ. If you are wondering what true manhood is look to the Savior of the world. What an intricate plan of the Devil to take young boys with these traits, who would make excellent fathers one day, and take them out of the running for the role of fatherhood while they are children. This is terrible; this is heartbreaking.
To any and all who may be struggling with feelings of same gender attraction and encounter this message I speak directly to you. You are not broken. Our loving Heavenly Father would not set you up for failure in this life and make you miss out on the blessings of eternity. You are not broken. In the LDS edited book "Understanding Same Sex Attraction" (I highly recommend it, http://deseretbook.com/Understanding-Same-Sex-Attraction-Where-Turn-How-Help-LDS-Edition-Various/i/5028657 ) it has sources you can go to for help. It reported that many clients of therapy reported the following positive impacts, "They included prayer, scripture study, faith, forgiveness, and a full commitment to the healing power of God". Regardless of whether or not you share my faith, to Christian people everywhere, believe in the healing power of God and the atonement of His son Jesus Christ to help you. While your struggles are real, the master physician, counselor, teacher, and friend is also real. He will support, assist, and love you. There is hope. There is available help. There can be healing in your heart.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Recently in my family studies I have been interested in the philosophy of rewards and punishments. This is often how we look at life isn't it? Rewards and punishments. Pros and cons. Costs and rewards. In fact Exchange Theory holds that in all relationships we weigh costs and rewards. If a relationship costs us more than it consistently rewards then we will break that relationship according to exchange theorists. So what do these Skinnerian principles have to do with families?
Parents, isn't it easier to teach your children by bribing with shiny stickers and colorfully coated candy? Isn't this consistent with the behaviorism that is so ingrained in our society. Does this not sound like exchange theory, parents trying to get the greatest rewards (children behaving in x way) for the fewest costs ("I'm tired, you be quiet and I'll give you a cookie").
I'm not trying to degrade any parenting style. I don't have children and truly respect those who do. Parenting and family relationships are difficult and complex. No one has it figured out aside from our perfect Heavenly Father. But maybe there is a way to focus on who children are and not just what we want them to do. Maybe we can get children to want to do good things for the sake of doing them and not for an Oreo cookie.
Author Alfie Kohn offers a contrasting opinion to the behaviorist parenting we have all been raised with. He states, "There are pragmatic as well as moral reasons to focus on long-term goals rather than on immediate compliance, to consider what our children need rather than just what we're demanding and to see the whole child rather than just the behavior".
Interesting perspective. What would be the result if the next time your child threw a tantrum in the supermarket you didn't follow B.F. Skinner's principles with pigeons. Instead of teaching your child tantrum+public setting=no dinner or being quiet=a big cookie, try something else. Let's experiment this week. Good luck!
Parents, isn't it easier to teach your children by bribing with shiny stickers and colorfully coated candy? Isn't this consistent with the behaviorism that is so ingrained in our society. Does this not sound like exchange theory, parents trying to get the greatest rewards (children behaving in x way) for the fewest costs ("I'm tired, you be quiet and I'll give you a cookie").
I'm not trying to degrade any parenting style. I don't have children and truly respect those who do. Parenting and family relationships are difficult and complex. No one has it figured out aside from our perfect Heavenly Father. But maybe there is a way to focus on who children are and not just what we want them to do. Maybe we can get children to want to do good things for the sake of doing them and not for an Oreo cookie.
Author Alfie Kohn offers a contrasting opinion to the behaviorist parenting we have all been raised with. He states, "There are pragmatic as well as moral reasons to focus on long-term goals rather than on immediate compliance, to consider what our children need rather than just what we're demanding and to see the whole child rather than just the behavior".
Interesting perspective. What would be the result if the next time your child threw a tantrum in the supermarket you didn't follow B.F. Skinner's principles with pigeons. Instead of teaching your child tantrum+public setting=no dinner or being quiet=a big cookie, try something else. Let's experiment this week. Good luck!
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