Not Doomed to Fail After All

Isn't it common knowledge that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? This misleading statistic has given rise to the widely held belief that every marriage has a half and half chance of failing or staying together. The attitude has become that marriage is a great risk where the odds aren't exactly in your favor. Well, here is an interesting fact: it is not true that 50% of couples get divorced, just that half of all marriages end in divorce. Let me explain. Let's say out of five siblings in a family there are five divorces. That seems like the divorce rate in that family is 100% right? But in all reality one sibling could be married and divorced 5 times while the other 4 stay happily married to their original spouse their entire lives. This could change the view on marriage and the perceived inevitability of divorce.

Of people who's marriages ended in divorce, 70% said that could have and should have saved their marriage. In some instances there may be no other option. But when there is a change to save your marriage maybe it will actually cause less pain to do so than to go through a difficult divorce. I can't pretend to know the deep pain that many marriages struggle with and I do not with to make light of suffering in an unhappy relationship, I just wish that someone had told those close to me not to divorce. I wish someone had told them there is hope. I wish someone would have mentioned the pain that can come from blended families.

But of course there are blended families that really do well and are happy and successful. For those of you struggling with the complications of remarried families research says that these are helpful tips to reaching the highest level of satisfaction and functioning:

1. Realize it will take at least 2 years to reach normalcy
2. The birth parent needs to do most of the discipline
3. The Parent coming into the family should take the role of a fantastic "aunt or uncle"
4. With discipline there needs to be a lot of talk between the parent and the step parent, the biological parent just delivers the conclusion to the child

Marriages and families are difficult all around. No one has the perfect family. But we all have a perfect father. Our Heavenly Father will help us in striving to find happiness and harmony in our families. Through his his prophets he has given us a never ending formula for marital success. Here is a link to some advice. http://www.mormonchannel.org/magazines/ensign/2006/5/nurturing-marriage

Thanks for Nothing Skinner

Throughout the past few months I have learned a great deal about how the behaviorist culture has penetrated, and arguable poisoned, our society. We have be "conditioned" (to use the term B.F Skinner and his behaviorist cronies coined) to use a system of rewards and punishments in daily life. In the classroom, at home, with our children, in the workplace, in communities. If you aren't buying the argument ask yourself the last time you put forth more effort in something just because you wanted to. Not for a shiny gold star or Christmas bonus, or to avoid losing a teddy bear or receiving a lecture. Well, possibly this is a different argument for a different time, today I will focus on this Skinnarian type thinking in regards to parenting.

Effective, active, unconditional parents operate on the following principle: don't change the behavior, meet the need. If you are more concerned about what your child is thinking, feeling, and deciding (and ultimately what they are becoming) than what they are doing, you have hit on the key aspect of parenting.

Meet the needs of your child, not just focus on correcting behavior. If you have a child who clings to your leg with surprising strength for such a little person and is constantly hanging on you, don't just label them as annoying and push them away to change that behavior. Meet the need. They as desperately pleading for attention with these actions. Give it to them. And then the secret: they will stop clinging to you and making your day difficult. They just are thirsty for attention, give them that tall drink of time and caring and they will be refreshed.

Why is it so important that we train our children like Skinner's pigeons? What is the motive? Ultimate control? Isn't there something slightly disturbing about ultimate control over another person. Your children have needs, meet them. They have certain behaviors that will annoy you, if unnecessary, don't seek to correct and control them. Let's focus on what our children are becoming and not just whether they can be "conditioned" to avoid behaviors that annoy us. After all, your child is a person not a pigeon.

Money, money, money

Psychologist state that about 70% of divorces are a result of financial concerns. Attorneys believe it is closer to 80%. That is a pretty scary statistic. Often difficulties in marriages and families are linked to money problems which escalate into many additional issues. Fortunately, we have a way to avoid all of this disharmony. Here is a link to the published pamphlet "One For the Money". It illustrates 12 specific steps that you can take to avoid falling into financial problems, and more importantly, marital conflict

 https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33293_eng.pdf?lang=eng

The pamphlet states:

"These few points and suggestions are not intended to be all inclusive or exhaustive. Rather, it is hoped that a need has been brought to the surface for our serious consideration. We need to recognize and be aware of these basic guidelines for wise money management".

We must manage our money so that it doesn't define our lives and ruin our relationships.

Counsel/Council

I remember in my home the term family council generally was associated with groans and mumbling. What I remember most from family councils was that my siblings and I caused distraction while my parents diligently tried to get problems solved. Upon reflection I see the great growth that my family had as we had a family council each week. In my family relations course this week we studied ways of dealing with conflict.  Let me illustrate what we learned about counseling within our families.

The following steps for effective councils come from the book "Counseling with our Councils" by M. Russell Ballard.

The stages go as follows:

1. Set aside a special time and place
2. Express love and appreciation for those in the council
3. Open the meeting with a prayer
4. Discuss to Consensus
5. Close with a prayer
6. Finish with dessert!

I see a pattern here. You begin the counsel by expressing love and inviting assistance from Heaven. You close the counsel by thanking the assistance from Heaven and showing love through chocolate. Sounds like a great plan right? Here is the even better thing, it really works. Don't believe me? Try it out. 

 

Babies, Prom Dresses, and Broken Dreams

I come from the state with the highest rate of teenage pregnancy according to a survey a few years ago. My county has the highest teen pregnancy rate per ca pitta for the state. So yep do the math there and I was raised in a place where teen pregnancy is very common. Walking through the halls of my high school was an interesting experience. There were girls who skipped out on gym class because they were days away from labor, some who were happily on their third child, some who were swapping prenatal vitamins at lunch, and those who made their cheer leading coach act as part time babysitter during practices. It was discussed in the back of classrooms and in the halls, it was everywhere. Each year as the captain of my high school dance team I lost a girl or two because of unwanted pregnancies. Arguably the most public display of the teen pregnancy that plagued our town was at senior prom years ago. Several teen moms asked our principle if at grand march they could dress up their babies and walk with them down the isles. The poor principle said no and had to deal with the wrath of several pregnant hormonal teenagers. One girl said something to the effect, "But she will look so cute with my dress". Wow. When did a human life become noting more than an accessory for a prom dress.

This is the topic I would like to shed some family science research on today: teen pregnancy. As someone who has witnessed this and is very familiar with it, I understand it is a difficult topic for many. I would like to offer some advice that researchers Barbra Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson from their paper "Making a Love Connection: Teen Relationships, Pregnancy, and Marriage". These women offer the following insight in how to prevent teen pregnancy in our homes and communities:

"It is clear that we need to look beyond the goal of managing
the health risks of sex to the goal of building
healthy relationships. We should help teens craft a positive
vision for their future relationships and family life
and help young people understand that the sequencing
of major life events—getting an education, getting married,
then having children—greatly increases the chances
for a positive future. We must also enlist and support
parents as teens’ first and most effective teachers."

It is evident, at least in my home town, that sex education programs are not very effective. Simply warning against the dangers and advocating safe sex is not changing behavior. What will do this in a much more successful way is to teach the value of healthy relationships. Teach about child development and how your baby needs a lot more from you than to be a cute accessory in your high school days. Teach what the research shows is a good foundation for family success and intimate relationships. I submit that we need to teach to a higher level. It is no longer enough to say to our teens avoid sex because you will get an STD or an unwanted pregnancy. They aren't avoiding sex and those consequences are frequent. We must teach about what will bring true happiness and success. Help your teenager realize their dreams and then help them see how to get there. There is a sequence of life events that will lead to optimum success and fulfillment.

My call to parents is to teach your child. If you don't someone else will, and do you really want that? Don't just teach birth control, teach the beauty of waiting. Don't just teach contraceptives, teach commitment. Don't just teach satisfying what you want at the moment, teach planning for what you want most. Don't sit back and watch as teen pregnancy becomes ruined relationships and broken dreams.

Silence + Compliance = "Good"

Last night I had an interesting experience. My roommates and I were watching the 6 month old son of a friend so that she and her husband could go on a date. I'm sure to a third party observer it is entertaining to watch six college age girls forget everything, school, boyfriends, homework, callings, etc and become completely consumed by a cute baby. During the course of the night an acquaintance of my roommate came over to work on a school assignment. While observing the behavior of the baby she made the statement. "He is such a good baby. You can just tell that some babies are much better than others". In light of all I am learning through my family and parenting classes this semester, I almost chocked on my hot chocolate because of the shock. Let me explain.

What is it about our society that suggests that an infant who is silent and agreeable is a "good" person. They are perceived to be of higher moral fiber than a child who is more demanding or vocal. . This to me suggests an unconscious value assumption that what constitutes as "good" is simply compliance with the wishes of adults. Heaven forbid a baby cry, how dare they (heavy sarcasm). Is a child with a different temperament, who has a lower sensory threshold or who is slower to adjust to new situation, a worse baby than the quiet ones? By who's standard? And does this mean that this child is going to turn out to be a bad person? Do you see the disconnect here...what adults have come to describe as a "good baby" in reality means an obedient, mellow baby. A "bad baby" is one that doesn't simply fit into the schedule of the adult but that requires the adult to adjust to the needs of the child.

Author Alfie Kohn writes the following on the subject: "I realized that this is what many people in our society seem to want most from children: not that they are caring or creative or curious, but simply that they are well behaved. A "good" child - from infancy to adolescence- is one who isn't too much trouble to us grown-ups."

Now, why this is important to us. Assuming that a child will be treated based upon whether they are perceived as well behaved or not, this baby certainly was by the women mentioned above, the love the child receives is directly proportional to their level of compliance. Most would say it is easier to love and help a baby who is calm and agreeable than one who is more dependent or vocal about their needs. Wouldn't you argue that this is natural? But as Brother Williams, my family relations professor states, we aren't striving for the natural man, we are seeking for something divine. It is natural to associate an easy temperament with a "good" child. It is divine to learn from a more challenging child and learn from their goodness.

To the woman mentioned above I submit that babies are all good. They have just come from our Heavenly Father and have a lot less of the natural man in them than we do. A silent child does not equal indication of a good human being. I suggest a change in our thinking. A value judgment of what makes a child "good" should not be synonymous with "easy".

Cohabitation: the Counterfeit

Did you know that 80% of Americans cohabit (live with their partner prior to marriage)? In 2009 the number of unmarried couples living together was 6,661,000 (www.mhhe.com/lauermf83). This is a huge number. It has become such a part of our society that this is the norm, it is expected. It makes sense doesn't it? Try living together for an while and see if you are compatible enough for marriage, it is like a free trial run. Interestingly enough this isn't what the research is showing us. Social scientists who a generation ago advocated cohabitation as a means of premarital preparation are choking on their words.

Studies show that maybe we have been wrong in thinking that those who cohabit have funner, sexier, more glamorous lives while married couples just sit on the couch and slowly collect pounds. A comparison of cohabitation and marriage illustrates the following interesting correlations:

• Married couples report more frequent and satisfying sex
• Violence is higher among cohabiting couples, a woman is 9 times more likely to be killed by a partner than in a marriage relationship 
• Married couples have less health problems, greater happiness, less depression, higher levels of commitment to the relationship
• Cohabiting families spend more on alcohol and tobacco but less on education that married families do
• Those most likely to cohabit are those who are young and unemployed

And here is the most interesting

• Cohabiting prior to marriage leads to a less satisfying and stable marriage. 
• Couples who cohabited before marriage are more likely to get a divorce

(The above information is found in the text "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy eighth edition" By Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer)

One issue with cohabiting that leads to these results that I would like to highlight is a lack of shared commitment and progression. In this relationship two people live parallel lives. They share nothing but a house. One partner continues on with their goals and schedules and the others peruses theirs. There is no coming together in this process. Couples who marry join their priorities together first and then share a life. It is opposite in cohabitation. Doesn't this sound like college roommates? You have your things and they have theirs and you never share anything but the roof under which you live. You should expect more than that from the one you have chosen to love. 

I believe that some of the reason this option looks more desirable is that marriage is more vulnerable. In that vulnerability though comes the most beautiful trust, commitment, and strength. This is an interesting video that discusses the fears of marriage.

http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#marriage-and-divorce

There is a better plan. One that will help you avoid the dangers mentioned above. There is a plan for families created by our loving Heavenly Father and that plan starts with the solid foundation of a marriage. It must be hard for Him to watch the counterfeit that is so accepted. We could seek for better. We could find a more lasting happiness.