Cohabitation: the Counterfeit

Did you know that 80% of Americans cohabit (live with their partner prior to marriage)? In 2009 the number of unmarried couples living together was 6,661,000 (www.mhhe.com/lauermf83). This is a huge number. It has become such a part of our society that this is the norm, it is expected. It makes sense doesn't it? Try living together for an while and see if you are compatible enough for marriage, it is like a free trial run. Interestingly enough this isn't what the research is showing us. Social scientists who a generation ago advocated cohabitation as a means of premarital preparation are choking on their words.

Studies show that maybe we have been wrong in thinking that those who cohabit have funner, sexier, more glamorous lives while married couples just sit on the couch and slowly collect pounds. A comparison of cohabitation and marriage illustrates the following interesting correlations:

• Married couples report more frequent and satisfying sex
• Violence is higher among cohabiting couples, a woman is 9 times more likely to be killed by a partner than in a marriage relationship 
• Married couples have less health problems, greater happiness, less depression, higher levels of commitment to the relationship
• Cohabiting families spend more on alcohol and tobacco but less on education that married families do
• Those most likely to cohabit are those who are young and unemployed

And here is the most interesting

• Cohabiting prior to marriage leads to a less satisfying and stable marriage. 
• Couples who cohabited before marriage are more likely to get a divorce

(The above information is found in the text "Marriage & Family: The Quest for Intimacy eighth edition" By Robert H. Lauer and Jeanette C. Lauer)

One issue with cohabiting that leads to these results that I would like to highlight is a lack of shared commitment and progression. In this relationship two people live parallel lives. They share nothing but a house. One partner continues on with their goals and schedules and the others peruses theirs. There is no coming together in this process. Couples who marry join their priorities together first and then share a life. It is opposite in cohabitation. Doesn't this sound like college roommates? You have your things and they have theirs and you never share anything but the roof under which you live. You should expect more than that from the one you have chosen to love. 

I believe that some of the reason this option looks more desirable is that marriage is more vulnerable. In that vulnerability though comes the most beautiful trust, commitment, and strength. This is an interesting video that discusses the fears of marriage.

http://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#marriage-and-divorce

There is a better plan. One that will help you avoid the dangers mentioned above. There is a plan for families created by our loving Heavenly Father and that plan starts with the solid foundation of a marriage. It must be hard for Him to watch the counterfeit that is so accepted. We could seek for better. We could find a more lasting happiness.