Thanks for Nothing Skinner

Throughout the past few months I have learned a great deal about how the behaviorist culture has penetrated, and arguable poisoned, our society. We have be "conditioned" (to use the term B.F Skinner and his behaviorist cronies coined) to use a system of rewards and punishments in daily life. In the classroom, at home, with our children, in the workplace, in communities. If you aren't buying the argument ask yourself the last time you put forth more effort in something just because you wanted to. Not for a shiny gold star or Christmas bonus, or to avoid losing a teddy bear or receiving a lecture. Well, possibly this is a different argument for a different time, today I will focus on this Skinnarian type thinking in regards to parenting.

Effective, active, unconditional parents operate on the following principle: don't change the behavior, meet the need. If you are more concerned about what your child is thinking, feeling, and deciding (and ultimately what they are becoming) than what they are doing, you have hit on the key aspect of parenting.

Meet the needs of your child, not just focus on correcting behavior. If you have a child who clings to your leg with surprising strength for such a little person and is constantly hanging on you, don't just label them as annoying and push them away to change that behavior. Meet the need. They as desperately pleading for attention with these actions. Give it to them. And then the secret: they will stop clinging to you and making your day difficult. They just are thirsty for attention, give them that tall drink of time and caring and they will be refreshed.

Why is it so important that we train our children like Skinner's pigeons? What is the motive? Ultimate control? Isn't there something slightly disturbing about ultimate control over another person. Your children have needs, meet them. They have certain behaviors that will annoy you, if unnecessary, don't seek to correct and control them. Let's focus on what our children are becoming and not just whether they can be "conditioned" to avoid behaviors that annoy us. After all, your child is a person not a pigeon.

Money, money, money

Psychologist state that about 70% of divorces are a result of financial concerns. Attorneys believe it is closer to 80%. That is a pretty scary statistic. Often difficulties in marriages and families are linked to money problems which escalate into many additional issues. Fortunately, we have a way to avoid all of this disharmony. Here is a link to the published pamphlet "One For the Money". It illustrates 12 specific steps that you can take to avoid falling into financial problems, and more importantly, marital conflict

 https://www.lds.org/bc/content/shared/content/english/pdf/language-materials/33293_eng.pdf?lang=eng

The pamphlet states:

"These few points and suggestions are not intended to be all inclusive or exhaustive. Rather, it is hoped that a need has been brought to the surface for our serious consideration. We need to recognize and be aware of these basic guidelines for wise money management".

We must manage our money so that it doesn't define our lives and ruin our relationships.

Counsel/Council

I remember in my home the term family council generally was associated with groans and mumbling. What I remember most from family councils was that my siblings and I caused distraction while my parents diligently tried to get problems solved. Upon reflection I see the great growth that my family had as we had a family council each week. In my family relations course this week we studied ways of dealing with conflict.  Let me illustrate what we learned about counseling within our families.

The following steps for effective councils come from the book "Counseling with our Councils" by M. Russell Ballard.

The stages go as follows:

1. Set aside a special time and place
2. Express love and appreciation for those in the council
3. Open the meeting with a prayer
4. Discuss to Consensus
5. Close with a prayer
6. Finish with dessert!

I see a pattern here. You begin the counsel by expressing love and inviting assistance from Heaven. You close the counsel by thanking the assistance from Heaven and showing love through chocolate. Sounds like a great plan right? Here is the even better thing, it really works. Don't believe me? Try it out. 

 

Babies, Prom Dresses, and Broken Dreams

I come from the state with the highest rate of teenage pregnancy according to a survey a few years ago. My county has the highest teen pregnancy rate per ca pitta for the state. So yep do the math there and I was raised in a place where teen pregnancy is very common. Walking through the halls of my high school was an interesting experience. There were girls who skipped out on gym class because they were days away from labor, some who were happily on their third child, some who were swapping prenatal vitamins at lunch, and those who made their cheer leading coach act as part time babysitter during practices. It was discussed in the back of classrooms and in the halls, it was everywhere. Each year as the captain of my high school dance team I lost a girl or two because of unwanted pregnancies. Arguably the most public display of the teen pregnancy that plagued our town was at senior prom years ago. Several teen moms asked our principle if at grand march they could dress up their babies and walk with them down the isles. The poor principle said no and had to deal with the wrath of several pregnant hormonal teenagers. One girl said something to the effect, "But she will look so cute with my dress". Wow. When did a human life become noting more than an accessory for a prom dress.

This is the topic I would like to shed some family science research on today: teen pregnancy. As someone who has witnessed this and is very familiar with it, I understand it is a difficult topic for many. I would like to offer some advice that researchers Barbra Dafoe Whitehead and Marline Pearson from their paper "Making a Love Connection: Teen Relationships, Pregnancy, and Marriage". These women offer the following insight in how to prevent teen pregnancy in our homes and communities:

"It is clear that we need to look beyond the goal of managing
the health risks of sex to the goal of building
healthy relationships. We should help teens craft a positive
vision for their future relationships and family life
and help young people understand that the sequencing
of major life events—getting an education, getting married,
then having children—greatly increases the chances
for a positive future. We must also enlist and support
parents as teens’ first and most effective teachers."

It is evident, at least in my home town, that sex education programs are not very effective. Simply warning against the dangers and advocating safe sex is not changing behavior. What will do this in a much more successful way is to teach the value of healthy relationships. Teach about child development and how your baby needs a lot more from you than to be a cute accessory in your high school days. Teach what the research shows is a good foundation for family success and intimate relationships. I submit that we need to teach to a higher level. It is no longer enough to say to our teens avoid sex because you will get an STD or an unwanted pregnancy. They aren't avoiding sex and those consequences are frequent. We must teach about what will bring true happiness and success. Help your teenager realize their dreams and then help them see how to get there. There is a sequence of life events that will lead to optimum success and fulfillment.

My call to parents is to teach your child. If you don't someone else will, and do you really want that? Don't just teach birth control, teach the beauty of waiting. Don't just teach contraceptives, teach commitment. Don't just teach satisfying what you want at the moment, teach planning for what you want most. Don't sit back and watch as teen pregnancy becomes ruined relationships and broken dreams.